Life is busy. We have so much to do and what seems like so little time to do it in. Our days become a blur of running from one meeting to the next, reading endless emails and spending a few minutes with our families. Just to get up the next day and do it again. We are seriously overcommitted and overstressed. Juliet Funt, author of A Minute to Think, says we need to create a wedge, a small break in our calendars, to think, regroup and recharge. I think we need to use that time to get out of the hustle and bustle to create personal connections.
As humans, we are programmed to stay in groups for safety and security. Groups allowed humans to find food and avoid dangers during prehistoric times. They still serve that purpose in today’s environment, but offer even more value by supporting our mental health and well-being. But connection in a relationship takes time and energy – something that often gets ignored in our hectic daily lives.
It’s normal to associate with people who have similar interests. We find them in a variety of places – church, work, athletic clubs, school. Common interests give us an immediate opportunity to connect, even if it is at a superficial level. It affords us the opportunity to get to know someone new. But superficial relationships don’t complete us. We thrive on deeper connections. According to an October, 2013 article in Scientific America, “Across many studies of mammals, from the smallest rodents all the way to us humans, the data suggests that we are profoundly shaped by our social environment and that we suffer greatly when our social bonds are threatened or severed.”
Getting to know someone and creating a bond can make it feel like they have been in our lives for years. Through time, conversations get deeper and more meaningful. The space feels safer to be vulnerable, opening the opportunity to share hopes and fears. We can truly be ourselves without the fear of judgment. The relationship shifts from knowing their names to knowing their souls. I like to call that “finding my people”. It doesn’t mean the relationship is perfect, but common fundamental beliefs provide a foundation for disagreement. And the time between visits can often feel like it was really no time at all.
Deep relationships and connections take time. The problem is, most of us don’t invest what it takes – personally or professionally.
As a synchronized skating mom, I found myself sharing with other mom’s during my daughter’s competitive career. She changed teams and clubs multiple times. Sometimes the parents were friendly, sometimes not so much. In high school she joined a team from Buffalo Grove, Illinois, where I found a group of moms who I still count among my best friends. I was a stranger to their club. But having to drive 2 hours for practice meant lots of sitting and waiting for her to finish, several days a week. I could have kept to myself, as could they. But instead superficial conversations about our children turned into deeper conversations about life. We talked about what we valued in the sport, and what it offered our children outside of just teaching figure skating skills – like the importance of teamwork, learning from each competitive success and failure, and how they were maturing through this experience. While others focused on gossip and criticism, those of us that valued the whole person experience for our children talked about the positive aspects. Now, we didn’t agree with each other all the time. But our shared values helped us look at situations from a higher level and find common ground.
What does this have to do with connection? It created a foundation. Our children haven’t skated together in over a decade, but we continue to support one another and our children through life’s challenges. New job opportunities, health challenges, the death of parents and spouses. Highs and lows alike. But it takes time. A text for no other reason than to say I’m thinking of you. Making that extra trip to have lunch together. Or a phone call when a Facebook post causes concern. Deliberate action and investments of time.
I feel fortunate to have found my people more than once, in a variety of settings. There’s that work colleague who became family and the high school classmate that always seems to be there when you need them. Can you list your special connections?
Connecting is important both personally and professionally. We’ve all heard the leadership phrase “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”, first coined by Theodore Roosevelt. John C. Maxwell uses the same principle throughout his book Everyone Communicates Few Connect. As a leader, how do you connect with your team? Effective leaders make sure their team knows they care about them first, and their work second. Trust gets built more quickly, employees become more engaged, and it’s been said that productivity can increase as much as 25%. We spend too many hours at work to not feel connected. Employees stay where they feel welcome and appreciated.
But it can be hard to make this a priority as we face deadlines and daily pressures. Our schedule is packed full of meetings and it seems there is barely time to breathe. Be deliberate and make time – a special lunch invitation where you don’t talk about work or a 10 minute walking break to get in your steps and connect on life. Start your check-in meetings with a personal connection rather than jumping right into the to-do list. Prioritize it to make it happen. When a team sees the leader prioritize it, you will see the ripple effects through the organization as it multiplies the impact. Regardless of the industry we are in, as leaders we are all in the people business. That should be our priority.
“If you want to connect with others, you have to get over yourself. You have to change the focus from inward to outward, off of yourself and onto others.” ~ John C. Maxwell
Hallway Consulting Group 
Leave a comment