Our attitude and what we show others is a reflection of our inner feelings. How we display this has a direct impact on those around us. As leaders build trust and credibility, people watch how we react to stress, voice our concerns in a disagreement, and handle our emotions. It’s how others gain confidence in our ability to support them in times of turbulence. Leaders are often balancing multiple projects, relationships and situations at the same time. It is a definite balancing act of time, energy and emotions. Here’s the question: Are you in control or are you letting the situation control you?
In doing research for a recent project, I’ve been talking with others about the characteristics of one particular servant leader, my brother. He was a non-commissioned leader, career military in the Army. I was curious about what stood out in their interactions and what made others want to follow him. The answers varied somewhat, but the essence was the same. He just made you want to be better when you were around him.
One characteristic that rose from my conversations was his ability to stay focused and positive. That doesn’t mean a “Pollyanna everything in life is perfect” positive. That’s just not realistic. It was the Army, and everything didn’t always go as planned. It meant there was no point in complaining. Complaining didn’t make the situation better or get you to a solution any faster. In fact, complaining just makes the situation feel worse than it really is. And my brother viewed it as a waste of personal time and energy.
My brother was described as someone who stayed above the fray, even behind closed doors with his inner circle. If he was frustrated, those frustrations didn’t show on the surface. His approach was to focus on the problem at hand and help those around him see it through to a solution. Someone shared he had a unique way of making your frustrations feel heard, but then not letting you dwell on them and moving you to a conversation toward a vision and next steps.
I spent an afternoon reflecting on this thought. How do I present myself in my organization, with my team, and with my inner circle? It’s typical for us, as leaders, to talk about the importance of a positive attitude. I’m guessing we all try to stay positive when we are in front of our teams. It’s how we motivate others with a “we can do it” mindset. And it’s often because we have a strong belief in their ability to succeed. But things don’t always go as planned. And we work with people, who don’t always react or respond in predictable ways.
What struck me most was a reflection of how I communicate with my inner circle. With so few in my organization to use as a confidant, I have likely used my inner circle more times than I am proud of as a sounding board for my frustrations. I respect their opinions and input to a situation. But have I used them to problem solve or just to vent? And then I reflected on why I was even experiencing these frustrations in the first place. Often they are things outside of my control – someone else’s reaction to an email or situation, a new policy that makes my team’s job more difficult, or a change in direction on a project I thought was well understood and on the way to completion. When I react by sharing the misery of frustration, how does that build trust and confidence? And does it help us reach a solution? Like my brother thought, that is just wasted time and doesn’t move you in the right direction. Now, I can attest that sometimes it feels good just to get it out, but I realize there are more productive ways to deal with it.
Over time I’ve begun to look at life in a “there’s always time to be mad later” mentality. Meaning, this too shall pass and there will likely be something down the road that is more important to be concerned about. It helps me reflect on the true severity of the thing that is causing me frustration, and I often realize it is temporary and more of an annoyance. Nothing to spend much time and energy on. Sometimes it just is, what it is.
Complaining less and shifting your attitude starts with changing your mindset. If you want a more positive mindset around you, it all starts with your view of the world. Look for the positive and don’t focus on the negative. Misery loves company, right? But constantly judging the intentions and actions of others can be exhausting. Focus on your own accountability, the things within your control, and look for the positive aspects in every situation. There is surely one! Check yourself before you speak. And surround yourself with those who do the same.
Looking ahead, my goal is to stay focused on the positive and remember the value of my inner circle for problem solving. Checking my words before I say them and reframing the situation will be key. I don’t work in an environment where anything is life or death. Every decision can be changed or the course corrected. And I can’t control the emotions or behaviors of others, only my own. If my brother could do this in highly dangerous military situations, I can surely do it in mine.
″Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.″ ~ Randy Pausch
Hallway Consulting Group 
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